Shannon Briggs vs. Mike Marrone, Heavyweights. Saturday, September 5, 2015.
I can’t wait for Briggs to finally succumb to dementia and just let the voices take over. One day, he’ll be found wandering down a street somewhere in Brooklyn screaming at Wladimir Klitschko to man up and fight him, when in reality he’ll be yelling at a parking meter.
He’ll be shirtless, ripped and covered in blood and honey mustard sauce. In his last fight, he destroyed a guy called Zoltan, which should be standard operating procedure for anyone who encounters somebody with that name. He’ll fight Heavyweight legend Mike Marrone, who has fought professionally just once since 2011.
This thing makes Shane Mosley vs. Ricardo Mayorga 2 look like Erik Morales vs. Marco Antonio Barrera.
It’s not televised, so we won’t be able to watch Briggs almost kill a guy and then puff on his inhaler. I hear RBR’s own Mike Burnell will be there covering it. Hopefully he makes it out of that circus side show without permanent scarring.
Anthony Dirrell vs. Marco Antonio Rubio, Super Middleweights. Sunday, September 6, 2015 – CBS.
Anthony Dirrell is the lesser known of the fighting Dirrell brothers, based out of Flint, Michigan. He’s the one with more facial hair, and less brain damage. He had two god-awful fights with Sakio “My Fights Are Worse On The Eyes Than Tyson Fury’s Body Hair” Bika, and then lost to Badou Jack, a guy everyone remembers mostly for this.
Suffice it to say, he desperately needs a win. Luckily for him, he’s fighting Marco Antonio Rubio, who hasn’t fought since having the top of his skull driven down into his sternum by Gennady Golovkin nearly a year ago. Add in the fact that Rubio is a career Middleweight who will be coming up in weight for the first time in a few years, and you’ve got a nice fist job on tap–Al Haymon style.
Austin Trout vs. Joey Hernandez, Junior Middleweights. Tuesday, September 8, 2015 – PBC on Fox Sports 1.
Big Al is dropping some Tuesday night action on us, because when you’ve purchased 687 time slots for the year, ya gotta sneak them in when you can. Austin Trout once beat Miguel Cotto. I’ll give you a minute to let that sink in.
At his best, Trout was a decent boxer whose southpaw style gave opponents some difficulty. Now, the only thing there’s “No Doubt” about is that he’s going to get dropped, maybe several times. The dude goes down more often than Miley Cyrus on a coke binge.
He’s fighting Joey Hernandez, who has lost two out of three and goes by the moniker “Twinkle Fingers.” Twinkle Fingers is a name given by someone trying to stifle some horrifying repressed memory from childhood. I don’t want to know anyone who willingly accepts Twinkle Fingers as a nickname.
Further, nobody wants to lose to Twinkle Fingers. That should be motivation enough for Trout.
Next week: Zab Judah’s triumphant return to fighting for three rounds and then staring at his shoes. Also, the fight for the ages. Mayweather vs. Berto, motherfuckers! You know you can’t wait!!!
Header photo by Larry Mareano/Getty Images