Cat's Corner Monday Mailbag

Cat’s Corner: 1/11 Monday Mailbag

Monday Mailbag

Welcome to the inaugural edition of Cat’s Corner, a weekly column that involves me answering emails about all things boxing, along with any other stuff you throw my way. My first batch of emails were predictably disturbing, and I didn’t post all of them. Side note–Jim from Kentucky, I’ll thank you for abstaining from flooding my inbox with all the Asian porn in the future. Thanks, bro. But I appreciate the responses. Let’s get to it!

From Brent,

Q: Long time human, first time emailer. If you could pick any two boxers to watch (time, logistics, money, etc notwithstanding), who would they be and how would the fight go?

This is brutal, because there are a zillion match-ups I contemplate, often when I’m watching a PBC card and Ray Leonard says something like “These guys really came to win,” or Ray Mancini says something like “knfdldlfkdlaflafkmmalitlalmit.” The one I’ll go with now is a prime Roberto Duran against a prime Manny Pacquiao. That combination of skill and violence would be something to see. Duran was a fucking monster at 135, while Pacquiao was a disturbingly fast knockout machine when he was hanging around 130-140. Duran would walk through a ton of shots to land his own, but I think Manny’s speed would give him some issues. Still, I think Duran would end up taking the fight by decision.

Some other fights I’d love to see: Arturo Gatti vs. Lucas Matthysse. Ricky Hatton vs. Ruslan Provodnikov. Gennady Golovkin vs. Bernard Hopkins. Ray Robinson vs. Marvin Hagler. Micky Ward vs. Mark Wahlberg. God I’d love to see Micky Ward kick the Christ out of Mark Wahlberg.

From CA,

Q: What would be your dream fight this year?

Of course, Gennady Golovkin vs. Canelo Alvarez is the go-to answer for nearly everybody. Anytime two really good fighters actually fight, it’s a win for fans. We’ve been conditioned to expect nothing but tune-ups, so when we actually get a quality fight, we collectively dance and sing and then we catch ourselves and shit all over that fight, too. Canelo vs. Golovkin is a quality battle with major significance — it’s for the Middleweight title.

The problem for me is that although that fight would be pretty fun for awhile, I don’t really think it would be all that close. In fact, I think eventually we’d all be watching to see how long Canelo could withstand the horrific beating that Golovkin was inflicting on him while smiling like a complete fucking psychotic. I’ve never been more convinced that he is an utter lunatic than after watching Golovkin’s interview with Michelle Beadle on The Fight Game. He may have had a smile beaming from ear to ear, but in his head, he was clearly trying to figure out the proper English usage of “fist-first blood orgy.”

So my dream fight for the year would be Andre Ward vs. Sergey Kovalev. That’s a fantastic match-up, and I really can’t decide who I’d favor. The 50/50 fights are the best ones for me, although after Ward’s 12 year layoff and subsequently fighting nothing but stiffs, I’m not sure how he’d handle that Russian monster. And I also firmly believe that it will remain nothing but a dream.

From Sam,

Q: Could you elaborate on what is happening in this brief video and how it can be incorporated into the Western style?

I’m not sure what the hell is going on there, but it looks an awful lot like me on my wedding night. My wife decided that we should have a wedding video, which seemed like a nice idea. But I’ve never been more off-my-ass-hammered at a wedding than I was at my own. I have no idea what happened, but I remember saying the vows, and then very little else. Most of the night has been pieced together from witness accounts.

The guy who shot the video thought it wise to jam the camera in my face about 2 hours into the reception, which was near the point where I needed assistance in order to stand. I referred to myself as a “powerhouse,” before yammering unintelligibly for a few moments. It’s fairly humiliating, but it was always good for a laugh when people wanted to watch it. But my oldest kid has been asking to watch it, so it’s a matter of time before I’m explaining to him what the “C” word is and why I was swaying like a marionette.

But if the above video truly is a Viagra commercial, at least it’s original. It’s always fun to watch an NFL game and see the same 47 ads for dick pills with the gray-haired dude staring lustily at his just-a-bit-too-hot-for-a-60-year-old wife while Tom Berenger discusses your penile needs.

From Mike Baca,

Q: Well, well, well. Two new Monday boxing columns clash head to head in 2016. 52 weeks of regretting we started this campaign in the first place, and all of the anguish, inspired by a Sunday hangover.

I kid. Only because there has been nothing left to do for those who follow boxing. 2016 is off to a slow start, and UFC is laughing at us. I don’t follow MMA at all, in fact, I don’t like it whatsoever. I have various reasons, but it all comes down to my disgust with seeing men’s feet on an HD television. It’s been reported that the UFC has secured a March 5 PPV date that includes its two biggest stars: Conor McGregor (vs some guy I don’t know) and Ronda Rousey (in a rematch vs Holly Holm).

Although it wasn’t official, Keith Thurman vs Shawn Porter was rumored to be on the same date. And if it was, it’d be smart to change it now.
Is boxing starting to get punked by the UFC? Are they showing us how it’s done? Is there a boxing card that would force the UFC to change their 3/5 date? Can they figure out a way to crop out those feet?

First of all, Holly Holm is fighting Miesha Tate in March, not Rousey, so you’d better get your UFC fights straight, Mike! I actually only know this because some shithead on my timeline retweeted the information about the card, otherwise, I’d be clueless. Like my man Mike (a fantastic boxing writer for UCN), I’m basically clueless about UFC, and I’m okay with that. I don’t watch it, nor do I care about it in the slightest.

And I agree wholeheartedly regarding the feet situation. It’s nasty. Those insanely tight shorts aren’t exactly easy on the eyes either, especially when a guy actually shits himself during a match and it gets shown on twitter 18,000,000 times. Twitter is an awful place. McGregor is doing huge numbers for that sport. Floyd Mayweather, the guy who made this, seems to think he knows why. The only thing that will be worse than Floyd Mayweather is retired Floyd Mayweather.

Dana White might be a bit touched, but as far as I know, there aren’t like 5 champions in each UFC division. When someone asks us to explain who the Heavyweight champion is in boxing, we have to sit that person down for a history lesson. When you have to preface each conversation with “well, the LINEAL title dates back to the early…” people immediately regret asking and wish you would just fuck off. So yeah, in that regard, UFC is showing us how stuff gets done. And there are a few boxing cards that would at least give White some pause about March 5th, but none of those fights ever happen. Thurman vs. Porter is a good fight, and it might turn out to be a war, but when fans treat it like Leonard vs. Hearns, it’s obvious that something is quite wrong. In boxing, the best don’t fight the best. They fight the best option.

Regarding the feet situation, they couldn’t really make them wear shoes, because when Holm kicks Rousey in the face again with a nice pair of Nike kicks, her jaw bone will go shooting out of the other side of her face and hit someone in the third row. I think it’s a necessary evil.

From Ryan,

Q: Rate Klitschko.

No. I don’t want to. Not only do I think he’s grossly overrated, there are several different species of arachnids I’d rather consume like oatmeal than watch him fight again. Is he technically proficient? Absolutely. He’s got a great jab, and his left hook and straight right are lethal. But he’s way too happy to jab his way to a god-awful 12 round decision. Worse, he’s so terrified of getting hit that if his opponent finds his way inside, he locks onto him with both arms like somebody clutching a tree in a bad windstorm.

No, I’m fine with the gypsy taking his title away. Tyson Fury might not be the greatest Heavyweight of all time, and he might not have that belt for very long, but at least he’s got a pulse.

Thanks to everyone for writing in. Next week, we’ll talk a little Chocolatito and discuss Deontay Wilder’s sick dance moves…

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