Austin Trout vs. Joey Hernandez, Junior Middleweights: Tuesday, September 8, 2015 – PBC on Fox Sports 1
Big Al is dropping some Tuesday night action on us, because when you’ve purchased 687 time slots for the year, ya gotta sneak them in when you can. Austin Trout once beat Miguel Cotto. I’ll give you a minute to let that sink in.
At his best, Trout was a decent boxer whose southpaw style gave opponents some difficulty. Now, the only thing there’s “No Doubt” about is that he’s going to get dropped, maybe several times. The dude goes down more often than Miley Cyrus on a coke binge.
He’s fighting Joey Hernandez, who has lost two out of three and goes by the moniker “Twinkle Fingers.” Twinkle Fingers is a name given by someone trying to stifle some horrifying repressed memory from childhood. I don’t want to know anyone who willingly accepts Twinkle Fingers as a nickname.
Further, nobody wants to lose to Twinkle Fingers. That should be motivation enough for Trout.
Zab Judah vs. Hevinson Herrera, Junior Welterweights: Thursday, September 10, 2015
Hey, it’s been 14 years since this happened! How many guys since then have wanted to try and strangle referee Jay Nady? See, Zab Judah was just ahead of his time. Generally, when a long-faded fighter in his late 30’s decides to end a long layoff for one more shot at glory, it does not end well. Judah is attempting to come back after being out of the ring for nearly two years, after back-to-back defeats to Danny Garcia and Paulie Malignaggi. The first one is forgivable. The second one, not so much.
Malignaggi is utterly shot, so there are serious questions about what exactly Judah has left to give. That’s why he’s fighting Hevinson Herrera, who is 4-7 in his last 11 bouts. He was stopped in July. I don’t think it’s a great idea to come back into the ring two months after being knocked out, especially to face a guy like Judah, who is usually lethal for the first three rounds. But, he’s there to be comeback-fodder for Zab, who believes he can win a world title before hanging up the gloves.
His problem has always been a ridiculously maddening lack of output, not skill, so who knows. 140 is wide-open right now since Garcia moved up. Perhaps Judah can still make some noise. If Herrera gives Judah even the slightest of problems, we’ll have our answer.
Adonis Stevenson vs. Tommy Karpency, Light Heavyweights (Lineal Championship): Friday, September 11, 2015 – PBC on Spike TV
“Superman” has extended his reign of dominance in the Light Heavyweight division by continuing to pick out some of the shittiest competition one could possibly find and still get legally sanctioned. Eventually, he’ll coax Roy Jones into the ring and murder him on live television but it will be okay because IT’S FREE!!! Tommy Karpency is best known for earning a split decision victory over Chad Dawson’s dead body. He also lost to Andrzej Fonfara.
You can watch all the highlights here in slow motion. It’s not really slow motion, it’s just that both guys throw punches like they’re simultaneously drowning in water and quicksand while overdosing on Fentanyl. Stay for the end, where Karpency throws a 71 punch flurry and then dies of exhaustion. Anyway, Adonis Stevenson has been phoning it in for awhile now, so maybe “Kryptonite” has what it takes to give him a run. I’m not sure if he was given that nickname a long time ago or just recently. The latter wouldn’t surprise me.
PBC Executive: How the fuck are we gonna sell this piece of shit fight?
Haymon: Call him Kryptonite!
PBC Executive: *Cums*
The worst thing about Stevenson not fighting Sergey Kovalev yet is that it’s probably too late now, anyway. Stevenson is about to turn 38, and hasn’t had a challenging fight in years. It’s hard to imagine him being able to take on “The Krusher” now. In any case, he’ll take on Karpency and probably smash him to bits. Rest assured, he is now being hate-watched like Under The Dome.
Peter Quillin vs. Michael Zerafa, Middleweights: Saturday, September 12, 2015 – PBC on NBC/NBC Sports Net
If Peter Quillin was wondering what he could do to become any more laughable, he did it when he signed for this fight. Last time we saw “Kid Chocolate,” he missed weight for his biggest fight to date, a showdown with Andy Lee. He probably should have gotten the decision, but karma stepped in and slapped him in the dick with a good ole’ draw. Now, he’s back to fight Michael Zerafa, who last fought in March against a guy with the most consonants in his name I’ve ever seen in my life.
That Quillin was once a highly-touted prospect seems absurd now. He’s been wasting his prime fighting putrid opposition and has gone from being moderately tolerable, to despised, to completely irrelevant in record time. He’ll beat Zerafa, he’ll think it means something, he’ll call out Gennady Golovkin, and nobody will care.
Roman Martinez vs. Orlando Salido, Junior Lightweights: Saturday, September 12, 2015 – Showtime PPV
This fight will most likely be awesome. Rocky Martinez won the first fight in a shootout, and I don’t expect either guy to suddenly change styles. Orlando Salido would be entertaining if he were asleep on a paddle boat somewhere, and Martinez usually brings the goods as well.
It won’t change the fact that the main event is dreadful, but it should ease the pain a bit knowing that the odds of a FOTY candidate breaking out are quite high.
Floyd Mayweather Jr. vs. Andre Berto, Welterweights, (Lineal Championship), Saturday, September 12, 2015 – Showtime PPV
Finally, the big one. The one we’ve all been waiting for. The return of Andre Berto. Floyd Mayweather cares so little about promoting this fight that he’s handed the promotional duties over to Leonard Ellerbe, who couldn’t look more out of place and uncomfortable in the public eye if he were attempting ventriloquism with one of those porno blow up dolls. Sadly, it doesn’t matter. This fight wouldn’t sell if the public were being paid $75 dollars, not forced to spend it. Mayweather couldn’t give a shit less. This is post-Pacman. It’s like winning the Super Bowl and then schooling a couple guys playing flag football on the beach. It’s nice and all, but…
Berto has been faded for some time. He also possesses the ring I.Q. of a zucchini. He’s nowhere near Floyd in terms of skill, so unless “Money” decides to shock the world and brawl, this thing will be a hideous, easy win for Mayweather. And then he’ll finally do what we’ve all wanted him to do for some time–fight Ronda Rousey in a steel cage deathmatch. I am still shaking my head at the fact that there are actual articles being published about this very topic.
Berto isn’t to blame here, even though he’s that old dude who hits the jackpot at 5:00 am after somebody else pulled the lever and left. He simply agreed to fight for the most money he’ll ever see. But it has to sting a little that more people are interested in seeing Floyd fight a woman. In a different sport. As with any Floyd fight, prepare yourself for the week ahead. The assholes will be coming out of everywhere.